The Joke’s On Us! (1999)

On May 10, 1999, Snapple, in partnership with Comic Relief and Turner Broadcasting, launched a six-week “The Joke’s On Us” comedy tour to raise money to aid the homeless. From LA to NYC, Snapple comedian Todd Glass and Snapple mascot Wendy Kaufman ran “comedy challenges” among local companies and individuals. Turner’s TBS Superstation aired a half dozen 30-second vignettes featuring funny highlights from the tour. At the end, Snapple donated $100,000 to Comic Relief, for use in healthcare-for-the-homeless projects in eight tour cities, including LA, Chicago, Philadelphia, and NYC.

Snapple “The Joke’s On Us” bottle caps featured 130 different jokes. At tour stops, consumers could exchange “The Joke’s On Us” bottle caps for the chance to tell jokes and win cash prizes, t-shirts, sipper bottles, and other Snapple merchandise, plus free drinks. Companies could bring in caps they collected to generate funds for the local Comic Relief chapter. Winners were brought to NYC for the June 17, 2013 “joke-off” finale. I don’t know the outcomes of the competition but the 130 jokes are featured below.

Snapple cap collectors Mike B. and Skip F. have collected all 130 “The Joke’s On Us” bottle caps and were generous enough to provide this list. If you have any of these caps, and are interested in trading or in providing pictures, please contact me at: chris at snapplecaps dot com.

 

#	Joke
1	Why is a dot by itself just a dot, but when it's with other dots it suddenly becomes a polka dot?
2	Q: Why do melons go to church to get married? A: Because they can't elope!
3	Q: Why did the fig go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn't find another date.
4	If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
5	What's round, has teeth and bites? A vicious circle.
6	Q: What kind of clothes do the workers wear at the Snapple plant? A: Mostly tea shirts.
7	What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
8	What do you get when you cross a river and a stream? Wet feet.
9	What's the favorite constellation of plumbers? The Big Dripper.
10	If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
11	Did you hear about the sword swallower who went on a diet? He was on pins and needles for six months.
12	Q: Where does a sick ship go? A: To the doc.
13	Why's it called rush hour if everything moves so slowly?
14	Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team? Because she ran away from the ball.
15	What does a baby computer call its father? Data
16	What do you call a pancake that can't make a decision? A waffle.
17	What's the worst thing a girl can say to an invisible man? I can't see you anymore.
18	Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Why do you want to know?
19	Q: How do you fix a broken tomato? A: Tomato paste
20	Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work.
21	Middle age is when the narrow waist and the broad mind begin to change places.
22	If a girl scout does a good deed does she get brownie points?
23	Why did the chef get slapped? He asked for a pinch of Rosemary.
24	Did you hear the story about the broken pencil? It's pointless.
25	Are feuding lumberjacks more productive if they bury the hatchet?
26	What do you call a lazy shoe? A loafer.
27	Why was the nature reserve so wealthy? It had over a million bucks.
28	What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away!
29	What controls your head and always talks behind your back? A barber.
30	Q: When Humpty Dumpty became an actor, what role did he play? A: Omelette.
31	Q: What flies all day and never goes anywhere? A: A flag.
32	How did the bucket look in the sun? Pail.
33	What shoes should you wear if your basement is flooded? Pumps.
34	Why was the short-order cook in a rush? Because he ran out of Thyme.
35	What is the hardest thing about learning to rollerskate? The ground.
36	What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day? Turns over a new leaf.
37	Q: Which month has twenty-eight days? A: All of them!
38	Q: What would you call an earthquake in Manhattan? A: A Big Apple Turnover!
39	Q: What do you call a vending machine that eats up all your change? A: Coinivorous.
40	Claustrophobia : Fear of Santa.
41	Do spiders have websites?
42	Q: What did the ancient Egyptians say when they finished preparing a mummy? A: That's a wrap!
43	If honesty is always the best policy, how come the truth hurts?
44	Selfishness : A state of mine.
45	What meal would you get if you crossed a pig and a frog? Ham and legs.
46	Why is the school yard always longer at recess? Because there are more feet in it.
47	How did the pods settle their dispute? In a peas treaty.
48	Why should opera singers be good sailors? They know how to handle high C's.
49	Why was the superhero's outfit edible? So he could have his cape and eat it too.
50	What did the tree say to the woodpecker? You bore me.
51	What did the one broom say to the other broom? Have you heard the latest dirt?
52	There was two very competitive silkworms who had a race. It ended in a tie.
53	What do aliens serve their tea on? Flying saucers.
54	Q: Where did the whale go when it was almost bankrupt? A: He went to see the loan shark.
55	What does everyone get each birthday? Older.
56	If you put three ducks in a carton, what do you get? A box of quackers.
57	When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
58	Why do cats love computer games? They like to play with the mouse.
59	Does a chicken get insulted if you call it chicken?
60	When is a basketball player like a baby? When he dribbles.
61	What does an invisible baby drink? Evaporated milk.
62	What did the skydiving cashews say to each other? We're nuts.
63	Why would a field of corn have such a bad memory? Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
64	Why did the girl sit on her watch? She wanted to be on time.
65	What do you call a cow get-together? A meat and greet.
66	What do you call a gas station attendant? Phil Errup.
67	What is drawn by everyone without pen or pencil? Breath
68	What does an elf do after school? Gnome work.
69	What did the wall say to the electric plug? Socket it to me!
70	What did Mozart write in bed? Sheet music.
71	The 'theory of relativity' says no matter what you do in life your relatives will have a theory.
72	What runs around the garden but never moves? A fence.
73	If someone drives you up a wall, who pays for the gas?
74	A passenger who becomes afraid when driving underground is said to suffer from "carpool tunnel syndrome."
75	How did the rocket lose his job? He was fired.
76	What do plates always say? Lunch is on me.
77	A friend will give you the shirt off his back. A real friend will give you one of his clean ones.
78	When do you charge a new battery? When you can't pay cash.
79	What do you call an owl rock band? The Hoo.
80	A salesman mentioned that he'd only gotten three orders for an entire week of work: Get out. Stay out. And don't come back.
81	Why were the sardines out of work? They got canned!
82	Why is it so quiet during a tennis match if the players are raising a racquet?
83	What does a female koala always carry in her pouch? Eucalipstick.
84	Why was the morning performance of Shakespeare in the Park cancelled? Much to do about nothing.
85	When is a shellfish stronger than a shark? When its all mussel.
86	Giving a speech is like drilling for oil: if you don't succeed in 20 minutes, stop boring.
87	What do you call a policeman in the ocean? Of-fish-er.
88	What did one wall say to the other? "Meet you at the corner."
89	Q: What do they call learning to dance on the installment plan? A: Dancing check to check.
90	Q: Why did the Post Office discontinue the Pony Express? A: The workers kept horsing around!
91	Why do they use knots instead of miles on the ocean? To keep the ocean tide.
92	What is a fish's favorite game? Salmon Says.
93	What do you call a greedy crab? Shellfish.
94	Tyler: "Did anyone laugh when you fell on the ice?" Travis: "No, but the ice made a few cracks."
95	What has teeth, never bites and is easy to part with? A comb.
96	What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis and buses.
97	What happened to the guy who got trapped in a glass room? He was in a lot of pane.
98	Why is it usually cold at outdoor football games? So many fans.
99	Q: Who earns his living without doing a day's work? A: A night watchman.
100	Why was the nervous carpenter fired? He was constantly biting his nails.
101	Why did the grave digger quit? He was sick of the hole industry.
102	Why don't you have to ask what the capital of Alaska is? Because Juneau already.
103	What travels around the world but stays in a corner? A stamp.
104	What has wings, sits in trees, and is out of its mind? A raven lunatic.
105	What do you get if you cross an owl with an oyster? Pearls of wisdom.
106	What's the big problem with the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere.
107	A second guess is what you give your teacher when your first answer is wrong.
108	Life is like a doughnut: you are either in the dough or in the hole.
109	Have you heard of Amoeba State Prison? It's so small there's only one cell.
110	Why can't hurricanes get along? They never see eye to eye.
111	What's the saddest dog? A melon-collie.
112	"If it's called a fair, why do they take you for a ride?"
113	What do you call a broken mountaineering pick? An anti-climb ax.
114	Why was the pig so unpopular? Because he was a boar.
115	Where do you put a Grade A hot dog? On the honor roll.
116	What do you get if you cross a lizard with a baseball player? An outfielder who catches flies on his tongue.
117	What's the wisest spice? Sage
118	What's the safest place in a haunted house? The living room.
119	What do you get if you cross a pig and a frog? A hamphibian.
120	What do you call a pen with an idea? An inkling.
121	Q: Why do amoebas make terrible mathematicians? A: They divide to multiply.
122	What does a broom do at night? Goes to sweep.
123	How does a computer eat? it takes little bytes.
124	Why shouldn't you lose your temper? Because no one else wants it.
125	Why did the peanut call 911? He was a salted.
126	Why can't the three little pigs be FBI agents? Because they spent time in the pen.
127	Have you ever tried to tickle a mule? You'd get a big kick out of it.
128	What do penguins sleep on? Sheets of ice.
129	The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
130	How do you tell when a doctor is most annoyed? When he runs out of patients.